


i never thought i'd die alone

by mvni



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:42:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29266683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mvni/pseuds/mvni
Summary: maybe katya's superpower is to be the loneliest woman on earth. or maybe it's to miss trixie until the end of her days.
Relationships: Trixie Mattel & Katya Zamolodchikova, Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova, Trixya
Kudos: 10





	i never thought i'd die alone

**Author's Note:**

> hello and welcome back to me projecting my feelings onto people who have nothing to do with it

it's not something she thinks about all that often.

it's not something she likes to think about.

but the truth is, katya is scared to death of never loving someone again.

she didn't know what love was, and then she met trixie. it wasn't perfect, they had their fair share of problems, but they were good two years. katya really thought they could go for forever. this was their destiny. now that it's over, she barely feels like herself.

but she joked about it, what else could she do? katya learned at a young age that joking was a great way not to worry people. she can spend hours making jokes to lighten up the mood, but god only knows how much she suffers when she's alone.

her life became a cycle of waiting for trixie to message. waiting to see if she's ok. waiting for something she doesn't exactly know what is. and it's been months. six months, half an year. it was supposed to get better, but why is it only getting worse? is it because trixie moved on? how come is that easy for her, but for katya is such a tiring process? it's not fair.

katya was just so tired of existing with so many feelings trapped on her throat. one can only endure so much.

she wanted trixie to love her as much as before. she needed to feel loved.

but she couldn't.

and she was scared.

what if that meant never being loved again? what if she rebuilt those walls around her, as an atempt to protect herself? will she be able to let her guard down again?

sometimes she thought about wearing trixie's ring once again. and pretend she's fine. but she's not. they're not fine. and even though she makes loneliness work for her, it was so hard. she missed trixie so much. and knowing trixie didn't feel the same towards her was pulling her heart apart, little by little. 

it's just like life had no meaning. trixie was her sun and now all she knows is darkness.

the worst part? katya knew that she'd always be willing to give trixie another chance. she still reaches for her. 

she knows it's her fault. she didn't handle her emotions well. she closed herself. and it's hard to accept that she's not a bad person because of that. because katya feels like a monster. 

but maybe that's her destiny, to be alone. 

it's not like she feels deserving of good things anyway. it's not like she's worthy of love. 

she'll learn to live like this.

she has to. 

and maybe one day she'll be able to tell trixie how scared this all makes her. 


End file.
